For That Squeaky-clean Feeling

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I wash with whatever bar soap is on sale. I never use “product” in my hair. I don’t even own a comb. I use my fingers.

I don’t give a shit about personal grooming products. Maybe I oughta—lord knows the ladies seem to prefer a well-moisturized fella these days—but I don’t.

With one exception.

I love Dr. Bronner’s castille soap (I usually get peppermint, but the almond is nice too). It’s the stuff in the big bottle with the crazy proselytizing script covering every inch. And, yes, I recognize that this label, which mentions “spaceship earth” in several places, can be a turnoff to those like me who tend to shut down at the first mention of anything new-agey. But there’s also something old-tyme-medicine-showy about the whole thing that redeems it. It’s almost messianic, too, which makes for good reading.

And if you look a little closer, that same label spells out the magic that makes Dr. Bronner’s my favorite item in the personal-care section of any store: You can use it as a shampoo or a floor cleaner.

You can do dishes or laundry with it. You can use it as a regular soap, and you can brush your teeth with it. It can function as a natural “pest spray,” deodorant, shaving foam or pet shampoo.

I bet it makes a hell of a cocktail when you add dark rum and Swiss Miss powder. But, seriously: shampoo and floor cleaner in one! This must be the product Tom Waits is shilling in “Step Right Up” … you know, “It disinfects, it sanitizes for your protection/It gives you an erection/It wins the election/Why put up with painful corns any longer?”

I’ve used it on my hair, gotten out of the shower and mopped my kitchen floor with it. By the time the floor is done, my hair is almost dry. And that’s when I love ol’ Doc Bronner the very most. Because that’s when I can run my fingers through my hair and actually hear it squeak. I mean it; it fucking squeaks! My hair: literally squeaky clean.

And my floor smells like peppermint.

—Pat

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Tags: Dr. Bronner's, grooming, products, shampoo, soap